Many people want to change the world or change others, yet few are willing to change themselves. It is a positive sign that you are willing to address your problems and fight for your marriage.
I am a firm believer in couples counseling, but if your spouse is unwilling to seek counsel I would encourage you to go alone, at first.
An affair doesn’t “just happen”—there are always struggles and difficulties that trigger behavior that results in an affair. Even the “one time opportunistic” affairs indicate a troubled marriage.
To properly answer the question, I need to know if your cheating spouse has ended the affair. If s/he is unrepentant and still engaged in the affair, therapy won’t help.
Love must be tough. You ask him/her to leave. It hurts, but don’t allow a cheating spouse to share the same roof—and certainly not the same bed—with you. Reconciliation can’t begin until s/he is faced with the reality of the consequences of their decisions.
If the affair has ended, you need to understand the problem—why won’t s/he go to counseling? Afraid of feeling guilty? Embarrassed?
You can gently assure your spouse that you truly desire to take whatever steps are necessary to repair your relationship, and ask him/her to reciprocate. His/her willingness to be vulnerable with a counselor or therapist demonstrates a heart of repentance and a desire to rebuilt trust.
If s/he is still unwilling, go alone. You may be the difference-maker in his/her attitude.
~ Jason Coleman
Marriage Mentor and co-author of “Discovering Your Amazing Marriage”